So let's start by saying that I clearly SUCK at this whole blog thing, I'm trying to get better at putting myself onto a schedule to be able to put more content out for you guys. I've been pretty scatterbrain the last couple of weeks and quite frankly shooting down a slippery downward spiral. I just wasn't up for anything and laid in bed binge watching anything on Hulu and Netflix I could find. It's been shitty.
Not to say I jumped out of it and now im good.. but i'm working to get better. Today i've made some tiny progress by working on a program I need to finish by June, *pats myself on the back.* It's the little things!
But that's just a tad bit of an update from me for this journal entry, going on to talk about Femininity; since for the last five sentences I have given you no inkling as to why i've even given this entry that title.
I'll tell you how the thought started.
When I was a wee teenager and I came out to the world as gay I was struggling internally with what my "place" as a lesbian was, because by nature I was this hard ass, smart mouthed, rough around the edge girl- but in my head I told myself that I didn't want to be the "butch" kind of gay or the "manlier" one I wanted to be the feminine kind of gay because I wanted to still be seen as cute and fragile. Looking back at this kind of thought process now I feel silly but at that age I always associated being gay with being more masculine and I had this fear that because I didn't have this slender dainty look about me I was going to fall into this category of just some "dykey girl."
To try and avoid this I tried to stop every (what I thought) male tendencies I gave off. I always started to dress more promiscuous and I acted like I didn't know things so they " could be explained." I even tried to change my voice by talking lighter. I changed what I talked about and how I talked about things.
I did all this in hopes just to be viewed as more of a girl.
Let me tell you this was so FUCKING EXHAUSTING, because I wasn't being me.
And what i'm about to say now took me so long to realize and I wish I had sooner because I would have been able to be so much more relieved and relaxed to be the person I knew how to be without all this "corrections."
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE WEAK OR SKINNY TO BE GIRLY.
let me say this again,
you do not have to be weak or dainty or barbie or skinny to be girly.
Six years later, I am strong, I speak my mind, I say things how I want, when I want. I dress in sweats if i'm not feeling a dress, I wear sneakers if it's a sneaker kind of day, I dap my homies up, I don't like to talk about hair, I don't really know how to do makeup and i'm still GIRLY, I'm still feminine, and i'm beautiful.
What's funny is that there is still this stereotype that butch and studs aren't girly but let me tell you! My little tom boys and girls that make you look twice to check if it's a guy , they're still feminine too! They just show that side differently because having more of a masculine side doesn't make you less of a woman just like having a feminine side for guys doesn't make you less of a man.
I can say this-- I am so proud of what society has done for women in this aspect. Where you have a large group of women showing their "masculinity" but still being able to show how beautiful and sexy they can be all at the same time.
Women aren't stuck to this preset that you have to be polished barbie to be cute, you can hang out with the boys and do things like rap , talk about the game, play video games and still be this amazing beautiful woman.
Now, I'm not talking down my ladies who are naturally very feminine and aren't into all that boy rough housing and getting dirty-- all i'm saying is for my ladies who are-- I see you baby, you're gorgeous!